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It was a nice place, but that is all I recall now, as very shortly afterward the meal arrived at the table, Dave dropped the bombshell. He really didn't have feelings for me as I did for him, and he made that very clear. I cried, he got a bit weepy but was not all choked up. The final blow was about to be thrown up, that he was seeing someone else. I was mortified.I do not recall much of the trip home on the bus. Stepping off the bus was tough as I was in deep thought about what had happened. Those who weren't too far gone might find the strength to quit.Well, one of the rats was gone for sure. I had no idea who the cops were looking for but I thought it was a gay guy on a bike. I was within an half hour of County Seat when I realized I should be getting a birthday party ready. Not just any birthday either it was my 30th. My god how old that had sounded to me at my twentieth.I remembered that I had turned twenty wearing Air Force Blue. I even did a tour on the gate of a forward Air. So, finally having enough of spying, I turned away and left. Late that night, I stood looking at myself in the full-length mirror, naked. I stared at myself disgusted as I compared myself to her. I was now five foot two, not much different than before James and I met. My skin color had fluctuated over the time, though it was still apparent that I had a mixed heritage. My dark black hair now fell down to my waist as I left it to grow over the years. I had gained weight, once 140 pounds, now up. I?m a woman, I?m a goddess, and that means thatacting from the girl god space is the only way I canhonor my creator. I can?t get all tough and distantor I lose connection with my most important thing, myown heart and its delights.I fear sometimes I will lose that open expression ofan open heart. I lived so long without it that thememories still haunt me, being shamed into actingagainst my nature, locking myself up in a tiny closetall alone because being exposed meant being shamed.That?s what I.
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