From getting Amy to somewhere they could take care of her, to checking on everyone, to finally taking care of the newly dead, he had to remain composed to ensure everyone was OK and that things got done the way they needed to. What's more, he knew everyone looked up to him and expected him to remain in control. If he broke down or hesitated in indecision, the whole house of cards would collapse. He needed to be in control, even if he no longer felt they could control things anymore.And it had. I've already known S when she still lived in Jakarta back in 2006. We were supposed to meet each other back then, but I was still in a relationship and couldn't really find the time. But knowing that I'll come to Bali and knowing that she lives there now, I felt curious to finally meet her. For some reason, I felt a strong urge to spend time with this seemingly nice, funny and smart woman and I guess a part of me felt excited about the idea that an older woman would also have an interest in. When we were very young she'd always be an angel in front of my mom, and then take me to her room to play. And once we were alone she'd force me into her old dresses for tea parties. Mom found us sometimes and said we were so cute, but when I tried to complain she just told me to be nice and behave myself.Once we were both in school my mom entrusted Miki to walk me there and home again and obey her. Eventually it was even babysitting when she was out, even though she's only two years older. [Name Redacted]. I think he's right. I'vespent so long trying to prove myself, scared of what I think I alwaysknew, deep down. I've been playing a part, trying to be what I think aman is supposed to be, but it's always felt false, I understand that now.I'm ready to start accepting who I really am.DAY 36I bought my first tube of lipstick today. The cosmetics aisle was sobright, and I had to wait until there wasn't anyone around. My heart wasbeating so hard I could hear it. I felt like I was.
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